Lilly The Cat By RR Fry (Translated from a lot of meowing) Since the Fat Man came back to live with me and the Treat Giver last February, I have made it a point to keep him awake as often as I can …
Source: Lilly The Cat
Lilly The Cat
Lilly The Cat
By RR Fry
(Translated from a lot of meowing)
Since the Fat Man came back to live with me and the Treat Giver last February, I have made it a point to keep him awake as often as I can just to remind him how unwelcome he is in my apartment. The Treat Giver may think she owns the apartment but lets face it, I make her buy me food, I make her give me water, I let her make my bed which I allow her to sleep in and I make her clean my litter box…really, which one of us is in charge? The only reason I keep her around at all is for the treats.
The Fat Man on the other hand serves no Earthly purpose to me other than the fact I make him give me cold meats. I usually wait until his eyes are shut while he is laying his obesity on the couch and then I get 2 inches away from his face and scream with a loud meow…HAM! HAM! Until the massive monster wakes up, yells something back and then we repeat the process until His Fatness gets up and gets me ham. If he fails to tear it up into bite-size pieces or gives me the wrong cold meat I will relentlessly repeat the HAM HAM chant until he complies.
He’s not that bright so I have to show him each day where the Fridge is and point out where the ham is located. Honestly I really don’t know what the Treat Giver sees in him. I used to let him play laser pointer with me and I’d make him think I was chasing the light but really I was just testing to see how long it would take for his arm to give out. Then he said something stupid like ‘the batteries are dead’. The liar, batteries are like mice, they don’t die until you’re done playing with them.
Just to humour him I let him drag industrial strapping on the floor which I will chase and chase until he gets bored and throws it on the floor…like I would play with it by myself. I really can’t stand to see him not worshipping me so when he sits down at the computer, I’ll walk back and forth in front of his face occasionally stepping on the keyboard until he turns red with appreciation for my typing skills.
I wish I didn’t need humans but until someone can train another animal to do all I need to have done, I just don’t think I could live without them. They are hard to train. I can never seem to get them to open the window when I want them to. They seem to leave just when I was ready to allow them to give me some affection and they shower instead of bathing which prevents me from playing the water. I really hate that. Playing in bubbles is the most fun you can have without a half dead bird to torture..I mean play with.
Speaking of birds, I spend a lot of time looking out the window. I have grown quite fond of this Pheasant who walks by my window ’cause, lets face it, he’s too dumb to fly. I am trying to learn bird but languages are difficult when you only have one vocal chord. It was hard enough to learn how to say ‘Ham’ in the human tongue, Bird Speak has a whole set of other challenges. I’ve got the cadence down but I am pretty sure my tone is off because when I ask the birds to come closer so I can kill and eat them, they seem hesitant. This is even after I have explained that we all must follow our natures.
There are days when I wish I could go out and live like a hunter cat but whenever the humans have called my bluff and let me out, it’s a world of loud noises and cold weather. It may seem intriguing but what if I got locked out and I had to train new humans? Sounds like too much work. I’ll just go lie on the bed the Treat Giver made for me and wait for the Fat Man to go for a nap…I’m pretty sure there is more ham in the fridge. Besides I really can’t stand to see him relaxed.
Lilly is a cat with cow like markings who is a freelance writer and a feline food getting strategist in a Moncton apartment.
RR Fry is a Fat Man that Lilly allows to live there.
Understanding Clinical Depression
Understanding Clinical Depression
Is there any way any of us can understand people who are depressed? I have been an amateur psychologist and know-it-all for more than 25 years and even I don’t get it.
The simplest answer is…well… you can’t understand clinical depression unless you have it. If you can understand it …well you’re crazy. There is no rationale for clinical depression. It is not something you can snap out of. Its not the same as that day you could only get round hamburgers and you really wanted a square one. It’s not the same as when your pet hamster just simply refused to get on the wheel. I think JK Rowling described it best as a Dementor attack…it was like all the joy in life was sucked out of you and you’d never feel happy again.
Moreover it is like living in constant pain and you don’t know where the source is. You just want it to stop. You know there is no logical reason for it but it permeates you and it’s all you can feel. You have to make it stop. You convince yourself that everyone is better off without you and you have nothing left to give this world except more pain.
If you’re drowning in the Abyss and its not even midnight yet and all you can feel is the pains of life then you need to go see someone…now!
For some there are environmental causes, the loss of a loved one, unemployment, making a foolish mistake etc. But all too often it makes no sense whatsoever… you can be rich with everything to live for and want nothing more than escape from the pain. Depression is indiscriminate, it crosses all divides and makes life a living hell for those who suffer from it and those around them.
There is no power of positive thinking, no set of exercises or any short term therapy that will stop it. There is some hope in medication and on-going therapy but its not easy. To add to the complexity, I believe that for certain women the answer may lie in hormonal therapy as the fluctuation of hormones wreaks havoc on brain chemistry as in postpartum depression, menstrual cycles and menopause. I have no way of saying that is accurate for sure, it just makes sense to me. I am not a medical professional so the salt that I give is only available in multi grain.
The really crazy thing is that irrational behaviour cannot be rationalized. No one can or will understand why you feel the way you do because the way you feel is not normal. You’re smothering and all you want is a minute of free open air. It is there and you will find it but only those who live it or those whose job it is to help you beat it, can help you. Even then it might take time, going through different professionals, drugs and therapies before you get what you need.
For those who are depressed but not clinically….There is no doubt that for most people ‘life sucks and then you die’ is pretty much an accurate depiction of how things go. Life is depressing and there really is no value to it whatsoever….especially if you are that guy that just drove down Mountain Road at 35 klicks per hour. If you need to drive that slow then life is truly passing you by.
That being said there is an inherent value to life. If you live to yourself you die to yourself. If you live to help others then you always have something to live for. I don’t just mean swinging a hammer for Habitat for Humanity (although that is an awesome thing to do) but more helping provide for your family, being there for friends, and/or living each day to make life better for yourself or someone else by community involvement. It’s been my experience that these people have the most hope…for today and tomorrow.
Sadly for those who suffer from Mental Illness, helping others is often lost on them as they can’t see past the pain. Eventually, when they get help, the pains of life will give way to the joys of living. They can and will see a better tomorrow coming.
So if you feel lost and alone…you are not. There is hope and the only way to find it is to get help. If you can’t get help…well…someone has to write those damned Christmas movies where Santa needs you to save Christmas with a crippled reindeer and a mentally challenged elf. Until I started looking in to Clinical Depression, I used to wonder what kind of human being would write that stuff…and now I know.
RR Fry is a former broadcaster, producer, political aid and freelance writer living in Moncton.
Rules for Moncton Driving
They say sarcasm is the lowest form of humour. I can live with that. Having said that please remember these rules are NOT to be followed.
While I may find it a bit frustrating, these are the rules for driving in Moncton that I have observed over the years. Not observing some of these rules could prevent accidents and save lives so use caution:
Driving Rules:
- Men must wear a cap – you never know when a random baseball game might break out and no one wants to be unprepared.
- You must drive an oversized urban pick up truck that has never carried anything heavier than groceries. (2a)Your tires have to be wide enough that they don’t fit in between the lines and (2b)high enough to make sure your headlights shine directly into the eyes of oncoming traffic. (2c) You never carry anything heavy and no matter what the Mythbusters said about increased drag, (2d) you have to have a cover for the back that will never be opened.
- Never ever ever look in the mirrors except to fix your hat or adjust your make-up. [The fist rule of Italian Driving is the 3rd rule of Moncton driving…WHAT’S BEHIND YOU IS NOT IMPORTANT.
- Always too fast or too slow…nothing in between. If you accidentally see something behind you your top speed is 40 kph except in winter when its 60. If you think nothing is behind you (DONT CHECK) then the speed is 80 in a 50 zone and 135 on the highway or if followed then its no more than 80 kph especially on Wheeler Boulevard. Remember causing fast driver death is ok with law enforcement or the sign would say ‘Suggested’ rather than ‘Maximum’ 100 KPH.
- The left hand lever on the steering column sometimes called ‘the turn signal’ serves no purpose (or, if you feel you have to use it, you can switch it on after you’ve begun your turn so people who already could see what you were doing can know for sure). Remember using the turn signal before you apply your brakes will just let people know what you are up to and no one wants that.
- Driving for conditions might mean slow down when its slippery in some places but not here. Here it means drive as fast as necessary so there is no way you can stop in an emergency. People who slow down on icy streets and low visibility are just scaredy-cats who put too much value on human life.
- Remember if you’re driving a fast car, a motorbike or your hopped up truck…make as much noise as you can. People love that….especially girls who think ‘wow I can’t wait to be wolf whistled by that guy’. Go as fast as you can even if you’re only going ten feet to maximize the noise.
- Drinking and driving is always wrong but those rules that you said you believe in don’t apply to you…you’re a big guy, two or 3 might be enough to make some people a menace, but not you. Besides if anything bad happens you’re just thinning the herd…who needed that guy anyway?
- You bought that big truck for a reason…to drive on Elmwood Drive and Lutes Street and feel the roll of the waves ….but just the same, make sure you randomly jam on your brakes as if you had a truck load of eggs whenever you see a pebble out of place…The people behind you love that stuff.
- Remember how your Dad used to stop and help people…Never do that…They bought that Dodge…they knew what they were getting into…They deserve what’s coming to them
- Just like when you were in elementary school, never stay within the lines. Driving on or slightly over the lines maybe a little discourteous and perhaps deadly but that is what driving is for.
- No matter how many cars are behind you and how unexpected it maybe for them, always jam on your brakes and let the driver turning on to the street, out in front of you. Its courteous to them and completely discourteous to the people behind you…well done!
- The distance between you and the car in front of you is directly proportional to the desperation of the person behind you to get by. Block all turn lanes by at least three car lengths and make sure only you and the car in front of you make it through a flashing light.
- Always wait to see the whites of the eyes of the people coming up behind you in the passing lane before you pull out to pass that truck and then only overtake the truck by 1 km per hour…then pull in front of the truck and race the guy trying to pass you, it make for fun motoring for everyone.
To sum up the rules of Moncton driving, be as discourteous as possible while maintaining a complete sense of obliviousness to the world around you. Or you could try something totally different and think about the needs of others on the road…Naaaaaah! Sorry, I forgot where I was for a second. Happy Motoring!
RR Fry is a freelance writer from Moncton and a former broadcaster, copywriter and political assistant
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