They say sarcasm is the lowest form of humour. I can live with that. Having said that please remember these rules are NOT to be followed.
While I may find it a bit frustrating, these are the rules for driving in Moncton that I have observed over the years. Not observing some of these rules could prevent accidents and save lives so use caution:
- Men must wear a cap – you never know when a random baseball game might break out and no one wants to be unprepared.
- You must drive an oversized urban pick up truck that has never carried anything heavier than groceries. (2a)Your tires have to be wide enough that they don’t fit in between the lines and (2b)high enough to make sure your headlights shine directly into the eyes of oncoming traffic. (2c) You never carry anything heavy and no matter what the Mythbusters said about increased drag, (2d) you have to have a cover for the back that will never be opened.
- Never ever ever look in the mirrors except to fix your hat or adjust your make-up. [The fist rule of Italian Driving is the 3rd rule of Moncton driving…WHAT’S BEHIND YOU IS NOT IMPORTANT.
- Always too fast or too slow…nothing in between. If you accidentally see something behind you your top speed is 40 kph except in winter when its 60. If you think nothing is behind you (DONT CHECK) then the speed is 80 in a 50 zone and 135 on the highway or if followed then its no more than 80 kph especially on Wheeler Boulevard. Remember causing fast driver death is ok with law enforcement or the sign would say ‘Suggested’ rather than ‘Maximum’ 100 KPH.
- The left hand lever on the steering column sometimes called ‘the turn signal’ serves no purpose (or, if you feel you have to use it, you can switch it on after you’ve begun your turn so people who already could see what you were doing can know for sure). Remember using the turn signal before you apply your brakes will just let people know what you are up to and no one wants that.
- Driving for conditions might mean slow down when its slippery in some places but not here. Here it means drive as fast as necessary so there is no way you can stop in an emergency. People who slow down on icy streets and low visibility are just scaredy-cats who put too much value on human life.
- Remember if you’re driving a fast car, a motorbike or your hopped up truck…make as much noise as you can. People love that….especially girls who think ‘wow I can’t wait to be wolf whistled by that guy’. Go as fast as you can even if you’re only going ten feet to maximize the noise.
- Drinking and driving is always wrong but those rules that you said you believe in don’t apply to you…you’re a big guy, two or 3 might be enough to make some people a menace, but not you. Besides if anything bad happens you’re just thinning the herd…who needed that guy anyway?
- You bought that big truck for a reason…to drive on Elmwood Drive and Lutes Street and feel the roll of the waves ….but just the same, make sure you randomly jam on your brakes as if you had a truck load of eggs whenever you see a pebble out of place…The people behind you love that stuff.
- Remember how your Dad used to stop and help people…Never do that…They bought that Dodge…they knew what they were getting into…They deserve what’s coming to them
- Just like when you were in elementary school, never stay within the lines. Driving on or slightly over the lines maybe a little discourteous and perhaps deadly but that is what driving is for.
- No matter how many cars are behind you and how unexpected it maybe for them, always jam on your brakes and let the driver turning on to the street, out in front of you. Its courteous to them and completely discourteous to the people behind you…well done!
- The distance between you and the car in front of you is directly proportional to the desperation of the person behind you to get by. Block all turn lanes by at least three car lengths and make sure only you and the car in front of you make it through a flashing light.
- Always wait to see the whites of the eyes of the people coming up behind you in the passing lane before you pull out to pass that truck and then only overtake the truck by 1 km per hour…then pull in front of the truck and race the guy trying to pass you, it make for fun motoring for everyone.
To sum up the rules of Moncton driving, be as discourteous as possible while maintaining a complete sense of obliviousness to the world around you. Or you could try something totally different and think about the needs of others on the road…Naaaaaah! Sorry, I forgot where I was for a second. Happy Motoring!
RR Fry is a freelance writer from Moncton and a former broadcaster, copywriter and political assistant