Lilly The Cat
By RR Fry
(Translated from a lot of meowing)
Since the Fat Man came back to live with me and the Treat Giver last February, I have made it a point to keep him awake as often as I can just to remind him how unwelcome he is in my apartment. The Treat Giver may think she owns the apartment but lets face it, I make her buy me food, I make her give me water, I let her make my bed which I allow her to sleep in and I make her clean my litter box…really, which one of us is in charge? The only reason I keep her around at all is for the treats.
The Fat Man on the other hand serves no Earthly purpose to me other than the fact I make him give me cold meats. I usually wait until his eyes are shut while he is laying his obesity on the couch and then I get 2 inches away from his face and scream with a loud meow…HAM! HAM! Until the massive monster wakes up, yells something back and then we repeat the process until His Fatness gets up and gets me ham. If he fails to tear it up into bite-size pieces or gives me the wrong cold meat I will relentlessly repeat the HAM HAM chant until he complies.
He’s not that bright so I have to show him each day where the Fridge is and point out where the ham is located. Honestly I really don’t know what the Treat Giver sees in him. I used to let him play laser pointer with me and I’d make him think I was chasing the light but really I was just testing to see how long it would take for his arm to give out. Then he said something stupid like ‘the batteries are dead’. The liar, batteries are like mice, they don’t die until you’re done playing with them.
Just to humour him I let him drag industrial strapping on the floor which I will chase and chase until he gets bored and throws it on the floor…like I would play with it by myself. I really can’t stand to see him not worshipping me so when he sits down at the computer, I’ll walk back and forth in front of his face occasionally stepping on the keyboard until he turns red with appreciation for my typing skills.
I wish I didn’t need humans but until someone can train another animal to do all I need to have done, I just don’t think I could live without them. They are hard to train. I can never seem to get them to open the window when I want them to. They seem to leave just when I was ready to allow them to give me some affection and they shower instead of bathing which prevents me from playing the water. I really hate that. Playing in bubbles is the most fun you can have without a half dead bird to torture..I mean play with.
Speaking of birds, I spend a lot of time looking out the window. I have grown quite fond of this Pheasant who walks by my window ’cause, lets face it, he’s too dumb to fly. I am trying to learn bird but languages are difficult when you only have one vocal chord. It was hard enough to learn how to say ‘Ham’ in the human tongue, Bird Speak has a whole set of other challenges. I’ve got the cadence down but I am pretty sure my tone is off because when I ask the birds to come closer so I can kill and eat them, they seem hesitant. This is even after I have explained that we all must follow our natures.
There are days when I wish I could go out and live like a hunter cat but whenever the humans have called my bluff and let me out, it’s a world of loud noises and cold weather. It may seem intriguing but what if I got locked out and I had to train new humans? Sounds like too much work. I’ll just go lie on the bed the Treat Giver made for me and wait for the Fat Man to go for a nap…I’m pretty sure there is more ham in the fridge. Besides I really can’t stand to see him relaxed.
Lilly is a cat with cow like markings who is a freelance writer and a feline food getting strategist in a Moncton apartment.
RR Fry is a Fat Man that Lilly allows to live there.